My ugly past....

I am Obese. There. I've said it.
You know, they say that one of the first steps to recovery is to admit to your problems and my main problem in my weight. I hate this fact about me so much that for about a month i had become depressed in March 2011. I hated correct word> Despised myself and my body, and in the month of March where i had finished my performance of my A2 Drama performance i had become someone who would go home, look in the mirror and cry all night in my bed. OMG... Im a little bit tearing up from writing this really painful experience. I am somewhat of an hypocrite. I used to look at depressed people and the idea of self harm and think to myself "why cant you just be happy?" i thought as the same as everyone who were just a single-minded and thought self harm were just a way to gain attention. After going through my depression i know now that it is not the case. I had self harmed myself quite a few times during one the the most difficult days of my depression and i do have the scars (although fading). During self harming, i found it was a way to help relieve some of my emotional pain that i felt, the feeling of being a "FATASS" and "FUGLY" and that in a way i was punishing myself because i had allowed myself to become so obese. I pushed my friends away, became really quite and didnt feel like speaking much about anything. I didnt feel like life was worth living at all as a fat teen, and my closest friends sensed this. thinking back, it was quite obvious that i was depressed. In general i am a very happy guy who enjoys life, always smiling. My friends would ask what was wrong with me and i would hide the truth ans tell them everything was fine. The interesting thing was that in my college lessons, i was less obvious and that most people was oblivious to the fact i was hurting deep inside. However i think that it maybe the fact that in lessons, it had distracted me temporarily from my growing pain and i could focuss on something else.... but once that had finished i was was consumed with my emotions again.
i would say that i had never felt anything like this before, and the pain of looking at a mirror and looking at my fat chubby round face, my huge arms, my disgusting man-boobs, my fat belly, my humongous ass and legs really used to get me tearing up all the time. i hated looking at myself so much that i wouldnt dare to take another look at myself and any references to fat people made me very self consious. One very painful memory would be during my depression, i would be dragged into the city center by my friends and whilst we were walking, my friends told me to look around and then pointed to a fat obese asian guy and said " Look, its you." I know that they didnt mean in a rude way at all but the minute i heard this i had shouted at my friend to shut up and went into a store and started crying. i COULD NEVER FORGET THIS MOMENT. i got home and cried and cried and cried. i took out the sharp metal end of a pencil sharpener and started cutting myself.

Ofcourse i eventually got over my depression and it wasnt till mid april i decided to do something about this weight. I wasnt going to let it rule my life forever and i knew that things had to be changed. Initially weighing about 18stones last year when i started going to the gym (although after about a few months i had to quite because i couldnt really afford to fork out 25 pounds a month... im a teen!) i got lazy and gained a little back. after re-weighing myself a year later in April i weighed at 16st 4lb which is better than last year but ultimately i have got ALOT to lose before being a healthier weight (healthy weight for me would be around 9-10st). Through currently eating healthier and exericising i have gotten myself down to 15st 1lb as of 23/05/2011 which i feel is making progess but still along way to go.

BTW i never told anyone why i got depressed, not even to my best friend although maybe one day i will..